The following post was submitted by a reader who wishes to remain anonymous;
The other day a dad of my kids’ friends said to me “I don’t know how you do it” … without a hesitation my answer was “Not very well!” Right now I feel that statement was truer than true – I don’t do it very well at all!
I am just so bad at everything – my house it never tidy and clean, we never have any money in savings, I spend every day trying to defuse the kids fighting, I can’t get them to eat vegetables no matter how I cook them, I feel like such a failure in everything I do especially with my kids – my biggest fear is that I will ruin their lives. I’m not sure I can do this anymore.
I have been thinking that my family needs a replacement and I started looking at how much it would cost for a house cleaner, before and after school care and day care, school tuck shop lunches, take-away dinners etc. and I really feel they would be better off without me.
Don’t worry, I have no plans on doing anything permanent – I’m just such a crap parent, I don’t think I’m cut out for this.
I used to think it’s our job to be parents first and not our kids friend, that being their friend comes later when we have done our duty to teach them all we can (and be the bad guy on more than one occasion), once they are their own person who knows right from wrong and is capable of making their own choices – THEN it is our turn to be their friend. BUT … maybe I got it wrong?!
I get to the end of the day and am exhausted by every part of it, then look around and just want to (and often do) cry because my house looks the way it does. I try, I really do but I feel like I’m drowning in domestic duties and my heat breaks when I think about how I’ve raised my voice at the kids because they wont listen to me. I feel like I don’t matter. My middle child who is 5 years old is so stubborn he tries my patience all the time and when he tells me he hates me I try not to let him see it but it hurts me so much.
My kids are beautiful kids, and behave so well for everyone else I don’t understand why they aren’t like that for me? I’m sick of being the bad guy day in and day out! My husband is a great father and wonderful husband, he works very hard to provide for us and doesn’t complain about anything. When he gets home the kids are so happy to see him, their faces never light up like that for me.
Wouldn’t my kids be better off having a mum who they had fun with? If I didn’t live with them then maybe I could be a better mum? For once maybe I’d be the nice one! Would they be happier and better people if they were excited to see me and tell me all about their week?!
I don’t know what to do. All I do know is that I love my family far too much to ruin their lives and their futures, and if that means having to step out of their daily lives then perhaps that’s what I need to do?